he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My ass is underappreciated
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
