I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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