My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
