Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
