Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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