i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
