I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
