dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize