Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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