every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
