I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sponge bath it is.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
