Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
