you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
