did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
