saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
