have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.