she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."