Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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