my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
