The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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