Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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