You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
After tacos, we're chasing women.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
