Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
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I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
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Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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