I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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