no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Pooping to opera.
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