her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
