if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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