Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
