I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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