So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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