Your mouth is God's brothel.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
