im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
