Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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