This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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