I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
being pregnant is like rehab
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
