we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
