I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
