Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
