I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
