We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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