Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
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Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
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All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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