just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
