Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
