the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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