Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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