No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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