Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
