I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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