He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
