I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
