It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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