we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
