You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
