it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
