I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
