after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
