just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage