I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters