I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?