i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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