last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Randomize
